Sexual compatibility is like the unspoken heartbeat of any relationship, particularly when kink is a defining factor. So, let’s talk about the scenario you’re facing—a long-distance relationship (LDR), both partners identifying as submissive, and the quiet implosion of sexual chemistry when fantasies fail to align. It’s a situation as complex as it is common, yet the resolution requires honesty, self-awareness, and—dare I say—a bit of sass.

Let’s dive deep into what happens when two subs collide, how to untangle the ropes of mismatched desires, and whether you can salvage the spark in a sexually discordant dynamic.

The Power Struggle of Submission

You’re submissive, he’s submissive, and now both of you are metaphorically kneeling on the floor waiting for someone to take charge. Sound familiar? It’s not a failing on either of your parts; it’s a simple mismatch in energy. Kink is intricate, and the dominant/submissive dynamic often serves as the foundation for fulfilling BDSM play.

When you find out your “Dom” partner is more submissive than dominant, it can feel like the rug has been pulled from under you. This isn’t just about who likes what in the bedroom—it’s about identity and desire.

Why “Two Subs Together” Can Be a Challenge

1.  No Natural Leader: In BDSM, submissive roles thrive under dominance. Two submissives often leave each other unsatisfied because there’s no one to guide the play or create a power dynamic.

2. Role Expectations: You entered this relationship believing he was a rigger, a Dom, a person who could meet your needs. When reality doesn’t match those expectations, disappointment is inevitable.

3. Emotional Toll: BDSM isn't just about sex; it’s about trust, power exchange, and emotional connection. Feeling disconnected sexually can seep into other aspects of the relationship, making even the sweetest partner seem lacking. 

BDSM Roles Aren’t Always Fixed

Here’s a spicy reality check: BDSM roles are fluid. Maybe your boyfriend thought he was a Dom because it sounded good on paper or in theory. But when fantasy met reality, his true submissive nature came to the surface. That’s okay—it’s part of the exploration process.

However, if you’re not willing (or able) to take on a dominant role, this becomes a pivotal crossroads. You can’t force yourself into a role that doesn’t fulfil you, just as he can’t force himself to be the Dom you desire.

The Elephant in the Room: Those Submissive Pictures

Let’s address the submissive poses and gagged pictures he sent. It’s a bold move, but it may have backfired. Why? Because instead of sparking excitement, it made you feel something closer to a cringe. That’s not your fault or his. Attraction is instinctive, and seeing someone you hoped would dominate you instead looking vulnerable can shake up how you view them sexually.

If his masochistic side doesn’t turn you on, that’s a valid feeling. It’s not a failing on your part—it’s a boundary of attraction and compatibility.

Moving Forward: Is This Salvageable?

Now that we’ve identified the problem, let’s talk solutions. Can this work? Maybe. Should it work? That depends on whether you can both find a middle ground.

1. Have “The Talk”

Yes, it’s awkward, but clear communication is the only way forward. Be honest about your feelings without shaming his desires. Frame it like this:

• “I care about you deeply, but I’m struggling with our sexual dynamic.”
• “I don’t feel like I can step into the dominant role you might need.”
• “How do you see us navigating this difference?”

This conversation might sting, but it’s necessary for both of your happiness.

2. Redefine the Relationship

If you can’t align sexually, it’s time to discuss what you can align on. Can your relationship pivot into something less sexual and more companionship-focused? If sex is a dealbreaker for you (which is valid), you’ll need to decide if staying together is fair to either of you.

3. Introduce External Elements

If your dynamic feels unsalvageable within the confines of just the two of you, consider introducing external elements to satisfy those unmet needs. This could mean:

• Swinging: Exploring kink with others while maintaining your primary relationship.
• Kink-Friendly Therapy: A professional mediator can help navigate these difficult conversations.
• Education Together: Take workshops or read guides on BDSM to explore whether roles can be adapted or switched.

Sub-to-Sub Dynamics: Can They Work?

While it’s less common, two submissive's can make it work—if they’re creative and willing to compromise. Here’s how:

1. Switch Play: You could explore switching roles temporarily. Even if dominance isn’t natural for you, it could be worth trying as a form of exploration. (Spoiler: This might work short-term but rarely satisfies a true submissive in the long run.)

2. Neutral Dynamics: Focus on pleasure-based, power-neutral sex rather than strictly BDSM play. This removes the pressure to fill a dominant role.

3. Shared Fantasies Without Role Conflict: Instead of focusing on who’s in charge, lean into mutual masochism or sensation play. Pain, bondage, and teasing can happen without one person taking the lead.

When It’s Time to Walk Away

Sometimes, love just isn’t enough. If the sexual incompatibility feels insurmountable and neither of you can compromise, it may be kinder to end things. Dragging out an unfulfilling relationship will only breed resentment.

Ending a relationship over sexual incompatibility isn’t shallow—it’s self-awareness. Kink is a vital part of who you are, and trying to stifle that will only lead to frustration and unhappiness.

A Few Kinky Truths

1. Submission Isn’t a Personality Flaw: If he’s submissive, that’s who he is—it’s not a failure or betrayal.

2. You’re Not “Too Much”: Your high libido and need for domination are valid.

3. Kink Requires Chemistry: BDSM isn’t just about matching fantasies; it’s about finding someone who complements your energy.

So, What’s the Bottom Line?

Love is complex, and kink adds another layer of intricacy. While it’s heartbreaking to realize someone isn’t sexually compatible with you, it’s not the end of the world. This situation is about honesty—with yourself and with him.

If you can’t reconcile your sexual needs, parting ways isn’t a failure; it’s making room for someone who matches your energy. BDSM relationships thrive on trust, communication, and compatibility. Without those, even the most loving partnership will struggle.

Sex is important. Kink is important. And you, dear reader, deserve a relationship where you don’t feel like you’re compromising on either.